


I Don't Love You

by Sirius_Whisk_Ers



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders
Genre: Angst, Aro - Freeform, Aromantic, Aromanticism, Arospec, Heartbreak, M/M, Oneshot, Roman Sanders - Freeform, Virgil Sanders - Freeform, aro pride, aromantic logan, aromantic pride, arospec pride, thomas sanders - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 16:27:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17348591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sirius_Whisk_Ers/pseuds/Sirius_Whisk_Ers
Summary: A Logicality oneshot about self-discovery within and out of relationships. About love. And lack thereof.





	I Don't Love You

**Author's Note:**

> It's not as angsty as the title suggests just... read it you'll see.

Logan looked up from his work. He would never admit it, but Patton was very beautiful. His gorgeous smile, his outrageously uplifting laugh, everything about him. When he was nervous and he tugged gently on his hoodie toggles, Logan would be there admiring how sweet and innocent he looked. He was pretty sure that he was incapable of ‘crushing’ on people, but Patton made him unsure. Today was no exception: Logan looked up from his work to see none other than Patton himself.

 

“How’s it going, Lo?” He asked, peering around into Logan’s doorway, who set down his pen beside his plan for Thomas for the next day cleared his throat before responding.

“Great, thank you.” The moral figment nodded and grinned in acknowledgement. He entered the room, almost uninvited; face flushing a little as he declined Logan’s offer of his seat.

 

And like any other night, they sat together in Logan’s room, talking nonsense for hours on end. Usually, the logical trait couldn't stand for nonsense, but for some reason or another he put up with, even _enjoyed_ , the nonsense when he was with Patton. He was particularly fond of this friend of his and often made exceptions in his case.

 

Logan noticed that it was nearing midnight, and knew that he needed Patton to leave. Not only did they both need sleep, but the effects of staying in another side’s room for too long were also bound to soon become overbearing. He watched as the other facet talked about nothing in particular with eyes full of passion, wonder and excitement. His sparkling eyes dimmed a little as he saw Logan sigh sadly.

“What's wrong?” Patton inquired, concerned. Logan told him that he wanted him to rest, earning him a small whine in complaint. They exchanged their goodbyes, fondly wishing each other a good night’s sleep before Patton stepped forward to embrace Logan in what he assumed would be a quick farewell hug. It lingered a little. Neither of them broke away, never wanting the moment to end.

 

Eventually, it did. Logan's room reverted to its dull, emotionless state. His own mood died down, too.

 

~

 

The next day, the mindscape was filled with as much energy as any other day. Logan was up early, conversing with Virgil over breakfast as Patton, who had made the breakfast, attempted for the fifth time that morning to wake up Roman. The persuasion of pancakes seemed to be the method that finally got him out of bed.

 

“You’re right, these are good pancakes,” he decided, once he had lazily teleported himself directly to the kitchen chair. Virgil and Logan nodded in agreement.

“Patton, you're a genius,” stated Virgil, mouth full of pancake. Logan narrowed his eyes at the anxious trait, not-so-subtly gesturing towards himself. Patton also glared at him, but for talking with food in his mouth. Virgil stuck a syrupy tongue out in rebellion, earning a snort from Roman and a giggle from Patton. Logan couldn't figure out what it was about that laugh, but he loved it.

 

He watched as Patton used the last of the mixture for one final pancake. He didn't realise he was staring until Patton turned around, holding a plate with the last pancake on. While Logan quickly averted his eyes, Virgil and Roman immediately jumped up to get it, to which Patton refused. He took it away and, being the moral trait that he was, told them that neither of them could have it if they were going to fight over it. There were strings of complaint from the other side of the table as the pancake got left on Logan's plate.

 

All the food was cleared up quickly as everyone enjoyed Patton’s cooking, even Logan who was extremely conscious of how unhealthy the meal he was consuming was. He decided he wanted to get some planning done before he was needed for anything else. Logan retreated immediately to his room and to his meticulously organised desk and began to get as much work done as he could for the time being. He had half-expected a certain moral trait to follow after him, yet still acted surprised when he did so.

 

“Heya, Lo!” Patton seemed like his usual energetic self when he stepped up to Logan, grinning from ear to ear. There was a nervousness in his eye that Logan noticed when he stepped a little closer to the desk he was sat at.

“How are you doing?” Logan stood from his chair as he asked this, moving closer to his good friend.

“Good—Fine—Uh, have you got a minute?” Patton looked at him questioningly, trying to hide his uncertainty. Logan nodded and they both went to sit on his bed.

 

Patton took a deep breath. He liked Logan a lot, as more than a friend. He’d had feelings for him for a while, and thought it was about time he said something about it. He had no clue how Logan would react, as he could never interpret the looks he gave him, or how he felt about anything, really. Patton also knew that he couldn't take a hint and that he’d have to be upfront if he wanted him to get the message. He’d just have to—

 

“So, I’ve been thinking,” he started, eyeing the logical trait.

“That's always a good sign,” Logan joked, with a small grin. His jokes were few and far between, and Patton adored his sly humour. Smiling fondly, he continued.

“I really like you, Logan. I was just wondering if…” he checked Logan's expression to check if he was following, and he seemed to be. “...if maybe we— if you—” His words were failing and he realised that he needed to form a sentence, quick, to save the confusion.

 

“Patton,” Logan hesitated, “are you asking me if we could establish a… relationship?” Patton nodded eagerly, awaiting his response. Logan blinked slowly in realisation. Did he want this? Were dates something they could do, as aspects of somebody’s personality? Did he like him enough to be in a relationship with him? Logan knew that he valued his friendship with Patton, that he found him rather adorable and that he wouldn't be opposed to being a part of something with him, whatever it was. He also knew people in the sort of relationship that Patton wanted with him tended to have romantic feelings for each other. _Is that what this is? Am I crushing on my best friend?_

 

“Well then, I accept.” Patton squealed and hugged his boyfriend, who grinned and returned the embrace.

 

The two traits were closer than ever. They kept an eye out for each other, making sure they were both looking after themselves. Soon enough, the others were informed. Roman and Thomas were overjoyed, showering the fresh couple with praise and pride. Virgil was happy for them, too, if sceptical as ever. More than anything he just liked seeing his friends happy. And they were. They were the epitome of a happy couple: hand-holding, shy kisses, nervous glances. They would cuddle more than ever, the moral trait nuzzling into his boyfriend’s neck, shoulder, or stomach. Patton and Logan were nearly always together, enjoying each other's company, just as they always had, but with the additional knowledge that there were feelings behind the gestures. At least, _presumably_ there were. There must've been _something_ , right?

 

~

 

“He told me that he loves me.” The words hung like a deathly stench around the two traits. The room was dark, cobwebs strung around the walls as well as posters of Jack Skellington and Amy Lee alike.

“But you don't love him,” Virgil attempted to finish the logical trait’s sentence. Logan shook his head, frustrated at himself.

“No— I do. Patton is incredible, how could I not love him?” Virgil looked over at him, unsure. “I’ve had feelings for him since way before our relationship, and that hasn't changed.” Logan was now sat on the stair, beside Virgil, knees to their chins, staring into the distance, deep in thought and conversation.

“Did you tell him that?” Logan sighed and craned down his neck, digging his chin further between his knees, making it almost impossible for him to shake his head guiltily.

“Of course not. It doesn't feel… right.”

 

Virgil pondered his friend’s words for a moment, before lifting his head and turning to face him.

“Look, I've been wondering about you two for a little while—” Logan looked up, too, curious to what Virgil had to say, “—and I know you both have feelings for each other, that's made pretty obvious.” Logan couldn’t help but smile shyly, thinking of how he and Patton acted around each other. “But what kind of feelings? Are they…” Virgil paused, scrunching up his nose a little in thought. “...romantic?”

“Well, what else would they be? Granted, I’m not a particularly romantic person, but that doesn't mean that I am unable to have romantic feelings, does it?” Virgil sighed, trying to think of how best to explain his point. It was never easy, the two of them, talking about feelings, as they were both pretty bad with that particular subject.

 

“Okay, you're right, it doesn't necessarily mean that. But have you ever considered it? From your relationship, what we've talked about today and all the stuff you said before, it's possible that maybe you don't have romantic feelings for him.” Logan looked distraught, mostly because he thought that Virgil could actually be… correct. It was such a perfect relationship, they were both so happy, and Patton was even in love. How could Logan not return the same feelings in amongst all of this? He came to the conclusion that he had ruined it.

 

Patton had always been the one to hold his hand, been the one to kiss his cheek, to pull him close and to feel his racing heartbeat. Patton was the one in love. Logan couldn't give Patton half as much as he had given him. Virgil was right. Logan didn't want romance. He didn't want _love_. At least, not in that way. He wanted to hold his best friend forever. He wanted to be happy.

 

“Logan? You okay, buddy?” Virgil asked, snapping his friend out of his state of realisation. Logan nodded slowly. “I was just saying, Thomas has aromantic friends, and I don't see why that couldn't apply to you.”

“I never even considered it before today and, well, I’m pretty sure you’re right. Thank you, I guess.” He sighed heavily. “I just don't know how to tell Patton. I hate that I’ve let him down.” Virgil shook his head vigorously, reassuring Logan that Patton would understand. “I don't love him, but I don't want to leave him either, does that make sense?”

“Many aromantic people still want to be in relationships, you probably like him in a different way.” Virgil didn't want to overstep his boundaries, but he definitely wanted to help Logan figure out his feelings. Logan responded after furrowing his eyebrows slightly, trying his hardest to fully understand.

“I don’t think of him sexually if that's what you mean,” he clarified. Something about that idea horrified Logan; it definitely felt like more than that to him.

“No, but there's also platonic and aesthetic attraction,” Virgil explained, barely taking a moment to think about it. This information, although relatively new to Logan, seemed rather natural to the anxious side. Logan thought it over, resonating more and more with what his friend was saying.

“Huh, you definitely seem to know what you’re talking about,” Logan pointed out.

“Well, it's hard to _not_ know this stuff when you basically live on Tumblr.” Virgil chuckled, earning a fond smile from the logical trait. “Yeah, anyways, I hope that helped or whatever.” Logan nodded.

“It really did.”

 

~

 

Days passed, formulaic and routine, full of plans, videos, exercise and generic productivity. It was filled with all the things that would usually make Logan swoon with pride. His and Patton’s relationship was still going strong, making even Thomas jealous (leading to him confusing himself, how could he be jealous of himself, of a relationship within his personality? He resorted to not thinking about it). Logan noticed more than ever how uncomfortable he was with affection. He felt extremely confused whenever Patton kissed him; he loved being close to him but not… not like _that_. It broke his heart to see the pure elation his boyfriend expressed when holding his hand and playing with his hair, aware of the love behind the simple gestures.

 

He needed to tell him.

 

~

 

Patton, eyes shut, lips parted in a gentle smile, arms lightly draped around his boyfriend’s waist and mindlessly toying with the black fabric, leaned forward with his head tilted back so that he could press his soft lips to Logan’s. They were both overwhelmed with the stressful day that they just had and wanted nothing more than to be close to each other at that moment. Patton continued to move against his boyfriend, feeling the stress leave his body. His hands were raised to the other man’s face, caressing from the chin to the jaw and from the jaw to the cheek. His thumb traced slowly inwards, over Logan’s sleek cheekbone, only to feel something wet just below the frames of his glasses. Concerned, Patton opened his eyes to see his boyfriend, inches away, looking straight back at him with a tear in his eye. Logan was quick to wipe it away and force a smile.

 

“You okay, Logie?” He looked away, avoiding the question, holding back further tears and biting his tongue. Looking at his boyfriend through the slight mist on his glasses, Logan sighed.

“I think we need to talk,” he stated, mostly upholding his composure. Patton nodded, unaware of the apparent issue, but wanting to support his boyfriend with whatever it was. Patton sat beside Logan on the end of his bed, the former comforting the other as much as possible by rubbing his shoulder. Logan turned to see his lover’s concerned expression, paired with a glint in his eye that Logan could never return. A hopeful, fond glint that he was surely going to fade. “I have recently come to a conclusion,” Patton nodded along, determined and sincere. “but first, I would like to apologise. I am trying to do what’s right by admitting this, but it doesn’t seem particularly fair on you.” Logan paused, inhaling a shaky breath.

“Just be honest, Lo,” Patton encouraged, although unsure himself. Logan nodded as if to encourage himself to continue. He fumbled around his mind for a minute or two in order to string together the right words, while Patton leant on his shoulder and muttered something about loving him no matter what.

 

“Patton, you’re really important to me. I’m really grateful that I know you and that I’m close to you, however…” Logan continued through a choked sob upon seeing Patton’s desperation and confusion and with knowledge of what was still to come, “no matter how hard I try, I don’t love you.” He felt himself tremble as he watched the other hesitantly open his mouth as if to speak before shutting it again. The desperation was fading with the hope he had in his eyes. The confusion was long gone. “I don’t think that I w-will. You see, I have come to the conclusion that I am ‘aromantic’. I am fairly certain about it, too.” There was a glint in Patton’s eye but it was merely recognition. “I don’t fully know how to describe it to somebody who hasn’t experienced it but it doesn’t change just how much you mean to me-” As he spoke, Logan leaned forward and cupped Patton’s cheek, gently holding his expressionless face. Before he could pull himself closer, however, Patton shuffled away a little, removing himself from Logan’s shaking hands.

 

Patton completely averted eye contact by staring distantly at the ground and began to speak with a gradual diminuendo. “So… everything you said, everything you did, everything we had… the affection, the compliments, the gestures… was that all for nothing? Was it fake? Was it ever real?” The last sentence caught on his lip in the form of a tremor. Logan fought past the regret, the guilt and the sorrow to clarify further.

“Affection can- well, _does_ \- make me uncomfortable, but as I have reiterated a few times now: I care about you. A lot. I am terribly sorry that I do not reciprocate your romantic feelings for me.”

 

Finally, Patton raised his head and his eyes found Logan’s. “I don’t want to lose you.” Logan closed the gap by embracing Patton once more. As they hugged and tears fell, Logan uttered, “I don’t want to lose you, either.”

“Well, then, what does that make us?”

“Us. Just us.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not certain that the aromantic portrayal is 100% accurate as I don't think that I am aromantic myself but I hope I did this well enough. Feedback is very much appreciated, especially if you have experience with this sort of thing. I know everyone's experiences are different but it would be interesting.


End file.
